The Great Lawn Decimation of 2012


Every spring I look forward to cultivating my back lawn into a lush, green oasis.  I work very hard at it.  I mow and seed and fertilize.  I pulled 278 dandelions BY HAND this year alone.  I was very excited to purchase a new lawn mower this year.  Old Bessie finally gave up her gas guzzling ways and Little Betty is now sleeping in her spot in the shed.  Very few things in this life give me the pleasure that having a nice, green, freshly mowed lawn does.  I have really been enjoying my lawn this year.  It is a pleasure to sit in my yard and just stare at it.

But the Pest has struck again.  Every year, without fail, I am besieged by the greatest lawn destroying menace the world has ever known, and this year has been no exception.  Grubs, ants, cinch bugs, you ask?  Puh-leeze.  Those things move at a snails pace compared to what I am faced with.  My husband.

Meet Jake Lambert.

Father, husband, Software Engineer, Nerd and all around nifty guy.  But, if you are a lawn, than this man is public enemy number one!  He has a long and murderous history with grass.  He functions within a very short time frame each and every spring and leaves in his wake a wide swath of death and destruction.  He has no remorse and if he is released into the backyard again next year, have no doubt, he will be a repeat offender!  He is by far the most dangerous, serial grass killer I have ever known.

I present the following as Exhibit A:

My beautiful, lush, verdant, green lawn

Exhibit B:

After suspect enters and remains in backyard for a total of two hours!

I'm sorry, I need to get a tissue.

This is what happens when chlorine covered pool tarp meets lush green grass.  Such a waste!  Every year!  Will he never learn!  Do his wife's salty tears of distress not make him what to rehabilitate and change his destructive behavior?

Well, consider yourself warned people, and be grateful you only have grubs to worry about, and if you see Jake Lambert DO NOT let him near your lawn!

Michy