Breakfast Time!

Rise and shine people!  I'm going to loose my electricity for 8 hours today, so I thought share my favorite breakfast smoothie recipe before I'm shut down for the day.  For ages I wasn't able to stomach the thought of drinking my breakfast.  Something about smoothies and milkshakes just grossed me out.  Eventually though I discovered that lots of fruit, blended up with juice is quite a tasty way to start the day.

So here is my recipe.  Its full of fiber, vitamins, protein and healthy fat and leaves me supercharged all morning.

1/2 cup real fruit juice  (any kind.  You can switch it up each day)
1/2 vanilla soy milk
1 cup frozen fruit (whatever ya got, but it has to be frozen)
1 Tbsp flax seed oil (for your brain!)
1 scoop vanilla protein powder (I use Vegan)

Dump all ingredients in blender and blend.  Yum!  Enjoy!

Michy

But Why Can't We Have It?? - Teaching the Kiddos About Money

I am sure just about everyone with children has, at one time or another, (or in our case, every time we are out), heard the whiney strains of, "please, please, please Mom!  Please Dad!  I want it, please!  I'll do my chores every day!  I'll clean my room!  Pleeeeeeeeease". 

This annoying begging and pleading isn't just for the big stuff.  Everything, from a crappy toy at the Dollarama to an XBox 360 elicits the same cry.  Now there are two main ways to respond to this situation.  1.  "In the name of all that is holy if it will shut you up, ok"! or 2. "No".  This is followed by angry allegations that you are the worst parent on the planet, that you "just don't understand", and a complete rundown of all the other kids whose parents are much cooler than you because they all bought their children "x".  For parents of really young children this barrage is often followed by a thrashing, screaming meltdown in a very public place.

Well, guess what kiddos, things cost money!  You know, money? 

 Oh wait, you don't know.  That's because you don't have a "job" and you don't "earn" money and therefore have no concept of how much work is required to get money or how quickly it can be spent.  Well, my boys are gonna start learning early.  The last thing you want is for kids leaving for college with no concept of earning, saving, spending, consumer debt and the value of money.  My kids think that the bank machine is a magical machine that just gives you money because you ask for it. They never see money go in, only come out.  They never see bills being paid.  They think the house, the electricity and the cable come for free.  Ha!

So.  This week Alex and Will and Mommy went to the bank and the boys opened their very first bank accounts.  My, my were they ever proud!  They were super excited to get a bank card to put in their wallets and to have a "super secret PIN code". They felt like quite the proper young men.  It was pretty cute actually.  I am linked to their accounts so that I can transfer their weekly allowance directly into their account, thus avoiding the eighty pounds of loonies and townies I used to have to carry around to stuff in piggy banks.

So here is the method I have devised to teach the boys about the value of a dollar:

1.  Every day, if you do your chores, (make bed, clean room, brush teeth, put away laundry), you get $1.00.

2.  If you fail to do all (not some) of these chores, or you do a half ass job, you do not get your $1.00.

Kids can be very sneaky about this.  My 5 year old can make a bed well enough to please a army drill instructor, so if I see lumps and bumps and pillows everywhere, no dollar.

My children both know where the clothes go, so if I see underwear, jeans, socks and pajamas all crammed into the same drawer, no dollar.  And don't think I don't know that you haven't used toothpaste to brush your teeth.  I played all these games with my parents when I was a kid.  I cannot be fooled!

3.  Once a week (Saturday), I will go online and transfer the proper amount of earned allowance into each boys bank account.  They can check online to watch their money grow.  If they want something and they have enough money, they can take their bank card to the store and buy it.  No money, no toy.

You would think that this would be the ultimate incentive for the kids, but let me tell you, nothing encourages them to earn and save their money, like watching their sibling go to the store and buy something and play with it in front of you while you get nothing because you did not do your chores and earn any money.  There can be a real urge to buy something small for the errant child but let me warn you, DON'T DO IT!!  Ignore those teary puppy dog eyes and cries of "that's not fair"!  They made their bed (or didn't), now they can lay in it, and I guarantee they will run home and finish those chores in 5 minutes!

One of the most interesting parts of this lesson is when kids start to realize how much things cost and just how long they will have to work to earn enough money.  If you give a kid ten bucks and set them loose at Toys R Us, there is almost nothing they can buy.  Don't forget, they have to pay tax too. (NO, you cannot cover the tax for them)!  Anything they do find will be a cheap piece of crap that will break as soon as they get it home, thus wasting the ten bucks they could have saved for something really cool.

 

So that's what we're doin'.  Lemme know if you have a great tip for teaching kids about money.  I always love to hear from you!

Michy

Camping 2012:  When Nature Attacks!

So, we are fresh home from our first camping trip of the year.   I'd say it was a highly successful trip.  Everyone had fun, nobody died.  It was all good.  Well, maybe not all good.  Unfortunately the creepy crawlies were in MAJOR overabundance.  I can handle raccoon and skunks.  I have dealt with thieves masking themselves as birds and chipmunks, but this weekend, I was completely unprepared for what nature had to offer.

As soon as we opened the doors of the van the mosquitoes attacked with all the gusto of World War Two Kamikazes.

It was crazy!  They were in my eyes, up my nose, everywhere.  I managed to fight my way around to the back of the van and retrieve the Deep Woods Off from the trunk.  I blasted those buggers right out of the sky!  Yeeeeeeeeee haaaaaawwwwww!  Soon we were all hosed down with Deet and ready to unpack.

A couple of hours later, once everything was unpacked and I felt Jake had things pretty well in hand, I decided to check out the loo.  The "toilette" on our site was a small "structure" with a counter and sink and two out-house-esq stalls.  As I was headed over to check it out, a young boy said to me that there "might" be a spider in there that "might" be "big" and "might" scare me.  "Whatever", I said.  I'm not really afraid of spiders.  I walked in and as I looked in the sink my heart tried to escape my body through my mouth.  The was a spider in the sink as big as my frickin hand!

I have never seen anything like it.  It had a HUGE body and long skinny legs, (shiver here).  Being the mature, adult that I am, I screamed like a wild banshee. "Yyyyeeeeeeeeeeaahaaahahhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggggg!!!!!!! Spiderspiderspiderspider!!" Just about everyone in the campground came running.  Someone eventually removed the offending critter and flung it in the bushes.  I was too busy flailing around with a bad case of the willies to see where it went.  Needless to say, the bathroom got a VERY thorough inspection before I would grace it with my business again.

Night fell and I started to get the kiddos tucked into bed. All around their tent I kept hearing this very loud fluttery wing sound. I couldn't see what was causing it.  Its was very loud and buzzy and after the incident with the spider my nerves were on edge.  And then it happened.  I was gripping the lantern and trying to climb in and re-zip their tent when this humongous bug came flying in, whipped around the tent and flew straight at me and bounced off my chest and onto the tent floor. "Yyyyeeeeeeeeeeaahaaahahhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggggg!!!!!!!  I swung the lantern like it was a medieval mace and WHAM!  That was the end of that leviathan.  I was sweating and shaking and snarling like a lunatic.  Gad damn!  What was going on!  Nature was really interfering with my ability to enjoy nature!  Later, as Jake and I were getting into our tent another one of the buggers flew in.  Jake came to my rescue this time, and I was able to identify the invader.

June Bugs.  Enormous, buzzy, flying June Bugs.  We could hear them dive bombing our tent all night.

The next day was a tiring exercise in bathroom spider inspections and June Bug patrol, but I made it through the day unscathed, until nightfall.  I was heading to the potty for my before bed pee and as I held up my lantern to begin my spider inspection, I apparently alarmed a bird that was nesting in the rafters.

 It went whooshing out of the bathroom all flappy and squawking.  "Yyyyeeeeeeeeeeaahaaahahhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggggg!!!!!!! WHAT.  THE.  HELL!  Can I not go to the bathroom in peace?  I'm sure everyone in the campground thought I was insane.

What can I say?  I still like to think of myself as an outdoorsy type.  I just wish nature would be a little more accommodating.  More sunsets and cool breezes, less creepy, crawly, buzzy, flying, bitey, scary stuff.  Hopefully our next trip will be a little less screamy.

Michy

The Great Lawn Decimation of 2012


Every spring I look forward to cultivating my back lawn into a lush, green oasis.  I work very hard at it.  I mow and seed and fertilize.  I pulled 278 dandelions BY HAND this year alone.  I was very excited to purchase a new lawn mower this year.  Old Bessie finally gave up her gas guzzling ways and Little Betty is now sleeping in her spot in the shed.  Very few things in this life give me the pleasure that having a nice, green, freshly mowed lawn does.  I have really been enjoying my lawn this year.  It is a pleasure to sit in my yard and just stare at it.

But the Pest has struck again.  Every year, without fail, I am besieged by the greatest lawn destroying menace the world has ever known, and this year has been no exception.  Grubs, ants, cinch bugs, you ask?  Puh-leeze.  Those things move at a snails pace compared to what I am faced with.  My husband.

Meet Jake Lambert.

Father, husband, Software Engineer, Nerd and all around nifty guy.  But, if you are a lawn, than this man is public enemy number one!  He has a long and murderous history with grass.  He functions within a very short time frame each and every spring and leaves in his wake a wide swath of death and destruction.  He has no remorse and if he is released into the backyard again next year, have no doubt, he will be a repeat offender!  He is by far the most dangerous, serial grass killer I have ever known.

I present the following as Exhibit A:

My beautiful, lush, verdant, green lawn

Exhibit B:

After suspect enters and remains in backyard for a total of two hours!

I'm sorry, I need to get a tissue.

This is what happens when chlorine covered pool tarp meets lush green grass.  Such a waste!  Every year!  Will he never learn!  Do his wife's salty tears of distress not make him what to rehabilitate and change his destructive behavior?

Well, consider yourself warned people, and be grateful you only have grubs to worry about, and if you see Jake Lambert DO NOT let him near your lawn!

Michy

Starting Point


Ok.  If I am to begin getting in shape, (again), and if I'm going to write about it, and if you are going to read it, then we really need to know where I am starting from and where I'd like to go.

This is what I'd like to look like:

  

This is Rachel Davis, my favorite fitness model

This is what I currently look like:

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

As you can see we have some work to do.

So to sum up.  I am 5' 1" and 180lbs. I wear a size 14 to 16 depending on where I shop. I like to think that these numbers might surprise some people, but then I will see a photo of myself and it becomes very obvious that the only person who is in the dark about how I really look is me!  I remember Oprah once said that she would walk past storefront windows and see her reflection and think, "who is that fat chick following me"?  That's me!!  OMG am I in denial.  Anytime I need a reality check though, I'll just get someone to take my picture when I'm not expecting it.  I have almost passed out waiting for people to take my picture because I was sucking in my gut so hard!

Obstacles to overcome:  I am lazy.  

I do NOT enjoy working out.  I am hoping to change this. 

I am addicted to sugar.  

Very addicted.  It's amazing how sugar can Ef you up.  Usually my yen for sugar is strongest first thing in the morning.  On a normal day, (not even a bad day), I will consume, not one, not two, but three bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios.  If there is ice cream in our house I will eat three bowls a day, three scoops at a time.  I have a thing for threes.  I will always eat desert.  Always.  Even if I'm so full I could barf.  My plan is to start each day with a delicious protein smoothie.  Yummy.  Fruit, fiber and protein = energy.

I am addicted to Diet Coke.  

Mmmmmmmmm

Completely.  I have tried to stop drinking it several times in the past only to give in when the massive three day withdrawal headache gets the best of me.  Diet Coke is an evil substance.  Full of artificial sweetener and CO2.  All it does is make me crave real sugar more, stain my teeth and leaves me mega bloated. It does not help me look sexy in my skinny jeans. Well, they're not really "skinny" jeans on me.  More like sausage casings.  I will be focusing on drinking icy cold water and green tea.  Maybe I'll try making my own, homemade iced tea!

Ok.  I think that's enough for now.  I did my first workout this morning.  I was a disgusting sweaty mess and it really wasn't that much fun, but the cold shower I had afterward was soooooooooo nice.  It made all that sweating worth the effort.  So long as I can still walk tomorrow I'll be in good shape.  Please feel free to share some of your best diet and exercise tips by clicking on "Comments" below.  I can use all the help I can get!

Michy

Fitness Icon Robert Kennedy Dies

Wow.  I am so sad.  I was just cruising the Oxygen Magazine website and found an announcement that Robert Kennedy, the publisher has past away from cancer.  He was a regular contributor to the magazine and I loved reading his, "Tough Love" column and all they ways he would dash all my excuses for not getting fit.  Robert Kennedy has been the angel on my right shoulder for years, always prodding me to take my health and fitness seriously and always trying to knock the chocolate covered devil off my other shoulder.  I will miss his monthly nag so much.  My heart goes out to his family.

Time to go work out.

Michy

Sex:  A Tell All Exhibition Review

So, my kids attend a Catholic school and you can imagine the kerfuffle when the second grade field trip to the Museum of Science and Technology coincided with the the museums newest visiting exhibit, Sex: A Tell All Exhibition.  I started hearing horrible things about the exhibit.  It was explicit.  It showed people masturbating and encouraged group sex!  So of course I immediately decided I had to go see it.

This exhibit was showing at the science museum in Montreal when we were there with the kiddos last year.  We didn't tour it with them, they're 5 & 8.  I figured I could answer any questions they might have without the assistance of an exhibit.  I did note at the time though, that there was posters for the exhibit, featuring a completely naked man and woman, hung all over the museum.  Now, this might make some parents nervous, but in our house the concept of "privacy" still hasn't sunk in.  If a day goes by when my kids don't see me naked, it will be a noteworthy event.

So this morning my friend Sonia and I headed to the museum not sure what to expect.  Our first impression, when we got to the museum, was that the exhibit must not be there yet.  There was absolutely NO indication anywhere in the museum entrance or lobby that there was a salacious sex exhibit anywhere on the premises.  We were bummed!  We drove all the way across town for this!  Now get this, because in retrospect this is too funny.  The museum has said that the purpose of this exhibit is to educate teens and young adults about sex because they may be unable or too embarrassed to ask their parents questions about sex.  So there Sonia and I are, standing in the lobby of the museum, unsure if the exhibit is even there and both of us, but especially me (if you can believe it), were too embarrassed to ask!!  We were whispering at each other like a couple of middle-schoolers, "you ask.  No!  You ask!"  What a couple of losers!  We ended up wandering around the museum, (since we'd paid our admission), and accidentally stumbled upon the exhibit.

The entrance to the exhibit was guarded by not one, not two, but three museum employees.  Admittance is restricted to ages 16 and up, unless accompanied by and adult.  I was not allowed to take my camera in.  Goodness me, what risque business were they hiding in there?!

So, down to business.  How was the exhibit?  For the most part I'd say it was really well done.  Of course there are pictures of naked people.  The walls on the way in were lined, one side male and one side female, with pictures of naked people ranging from toddlers to seniors.  It basically showed you what the human body looks like at different ages.  It wasn't racy or indiscreet, just factual.  Personally its hard for me to look at a naked 70 year old and think of anything remotely sexy, but hey, that's just me.

There was several things about the exhibit I really liked.  There are great question and answer boards where there a lot of really difficult questions are answered.  The kind of questions that most teens would be horrified to ask their parents, like, "Will there be pain the first time?" and, "What is oral sex?"

There were a few really educational and entertaining animated videos, one about puberty and one about how to use a condom.  There was one video that had been removed from the exhibit.  It was about masturbating.  I was given the impression from others that this was a "live video of a man in the act", but I don't know if this is true.  All the other videos were animated.  Frankly, I don't think there is a boy or man in the history of the universe who hasn't been able to figure this out without the aid of a video.  Just sayin'.

I was told that the exhibit only focused on the mechanics of sex and not the spiritual side. This is mostly true, however the exhibit is also not in any way encouraging kids to go out and get busy.  There are portions of the exhibit that discuss, "when am I ready", how to say no and how to deal with peer pressure".  There was a great section on STD's, contraception and great tips for how to insist on condom use without ruining "the moment".

The video that discussed orgasms was a bit regrettable I think.  Not because it was overly sexy or lewd.  It was a short animated video, rather humorous, narrated by "the man", explaining what is happening to his body and his partners, building up to the moment, "oh, wow, that felt good".  But it never mentions if his female partner got anything out of the experience.  Typical.  Nuf said.

I was strangely caught off guard by 6 little black an white photos of naked male and female genitals.  Don't ask me why.  They were so EXTREMELY close up, I think I blushed deeeeeeeeep red!  I actually giggled. Sheeesh!


There was a small section on homosexuality, again, nothing overt.  Just a video you could listen to that featured people explaining how they first knew they were gay.  And the exhibit on kissing had a video montage that showed among many, many hetero couples, one or two gay couples kissing. This doesn't bother me, but I know for some people this could be a real issue.  I think though, that if you're a fifteen year old and you think you might be gay, this part of the exhibit could be a lifeline for you.

Things that were not a part of the exhibit?  There was nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about group sex or BDSM (that bondage, dominance and sado masochism for those of you who haven't read 50 Shades of Grey).  There is no pornography and no bizarre sex toy exhibit.  It's really just learning about your body and how to use it for pleasure (yes, you heard me!), and reproduction and how to keep it safe; how to stand up to peer pressure and make sure you are actually ready to engage in sexual activity.  Whoa!  Scandalous!  Better keep your kids away!  No, in all seriousness, for the most part this exhibit would make a great run through for teenagers AND THEIR PARENTS.  But since we all know most teens would rather run through their school naked than been seen at a sex exhibit with their parents, I think they'd get a lot out of the exhibit by themselves too.

Enjoy!

Michy

Market Day


Awesome day!  Today was one of those rare combinations of beautiful weather, wonderful company and a much anticipated activity.  I am, of course, referring to my first trip of the season to the Farmer's Market.  It's asparagus season people, and there is no better place to find the yummiest asparagus than the Farmer's Market.    I grabbed my reusable shopping bags, my sun hat and my wonderful shopping companion, (my 5 year old son William), and headed to the Ottawa Farmer's Market in search of the perfect spear.


There was a lot to look at today.  Will got his face painted, which he was just thrilled with.  I have to say, he looked pretty darn cute.  There were cute dogs running around everywhere and people talking and laughing and lounging in the shade.  The atmosphere was so relaxed and pleasant.  Everyone just seemed to be in a great mood.

William with his face painted

There isn't a lot of veggies in season yet, but herbs and salad greens were plentiful. Beautiful flowers were everywhere.  Honey was available too, however at fifteen bucks a jar, it was a little out of my league today.  That's some expensive bee spit!  That's my biggest gripe about the market.  I read a lot of books, most written by people who live in California, who all swear that shopping at the farmer's market is the cheapest way to go.  However one must keep in mind that in California, where so much produce is grown all year round for the global marketplace, they have a constant overabundance and variety of produce. They're practically giving it away at farmer's markets, but things are quite different north of the border.  We have a very short growing season and no farming subsidies.  Fresh, local produce grown here costs a fortune.  The goods do out way the bads though.  When you buy local food it's usually organic, pesticide, hormone and GMO free and you're supporting a local farmer.  Plus it's extra yummy!  It just is, trust me!

After face painting Will and I grabbed some fresh rolled oats from a local vendor, some apples, eggs, (because I wanted to make fresh pasta), and green onions (they smelled heavenly).  By then it was lunch time. I ordered us potato wedges with salsa and cheese and a fresh squeezed lemonade and we sat in the shade under a tree, people watching while we ate.

Mmmm.  Fresh apples.

When were done we found a vendor with some nice looking asparagus.  Two pounds cost me twelve bucks.  Sheesh!  After that we were tuckered out (and broke), so we made our way home.  I had big plans for dinner and was going to need some time in the kitchen.

Ever made homemade pasta?  It's very easy, messy but easy.  I made a quick dough out of flour and my farmer's market eggs and rolled it out in my pasta roller.  The problem I have when I do this is finding a place to hang the pasta until I'm ready to cook it.  This time I used the handle of the oven.  Once I was done I chopped a bunch of veggies, including my new asparagus and roasted them in the oven, cooked the pasta and topped it all with some freshly grated Parmesan cheese.  Mmmmmmmmm.  There are leftovers in the fridge calling my name right now!  Fresh, light, healthy, meat free.  All my faves.  All in all a terrific market day!  Check it out yourself next weekend.

Making pasta

Drying pasta

Tada!  Pasta Primavera!

Michy

Comments are now enabled!!!  Thanks Jaker.  Just click on where is says "0 Comments" to add your feedback.  Can't wait to read it!

Michy

My Super Secret Celebrity Crush

So, I was out with the gals tonight and the subject of celebrity crushes came up.  Everyone has one, and it doesn't mean that you don't think your husband or wife is up to snuff, it's just wistful fantasy stuff. It's more the characters that we crush over I think.  In truth if we met some of these people we would probably find them to be obnoxious, egotistical jerks, (albeit remarkably good looking ones).

So what makes a really great celebrity crush?  They have to be attractive, but that is not the same as good looking (think Benicio Del-Torro).  They have to be funny, (think Matthew McConaughey, but not so much Jim Carrey).  Personally I like muscles.  Channing Tatum got a lot of votes among my friends.  I don't know.  I think, sadly, he may be too young for us.  Personally, I am currently crushing over Joe Manganiello, (Alcide the werewolf on Trueblood).

Hello Joe!

Holy cow!  The things I would do to that man would make 50 Shade of Grey look like a children's book.  BUT, he is not my Super Secret Celebrity Crush.  He's kind of a, "Well duh!", sort of crush.

There is one, special man however, whom, if I were single and he were single and he lived in my city, I would stalk like a cougar after a gazelle.  If I am ever sad or angry or bored, I can put on his music and I will be laughing and dancing within minutes.  He speaks to my inner comedienne and my inner geek and I adore him.  I am, of course, speaking about Weird Al Yankovic.

Weird Al & his accordion

Go ahead, say what you will, but I have had a love/love relationship (albeit very one sided), with Weird Al for as long as I can remember.  The man is a musical and comedic genius and also a really nice guy.  What more could you ask for??  Well, I mean if you're strictly looking for big muscles, he might not be your first choice, but hey, that accordion weighs a lot!  And who doesn't like a head full of thick, wavy hair, hhmmmm?  And women are always saying, "I just want to meet a nice guy who can make me laugh".  Well hellloooo.  Have you listened to Straight Outta Lynwood?

So there you have it.  My Super Secret Celebrity Crush.  I guess it's not a secret anymore.  Once I figure out how to enable everyone to comment on these blog posts, please fill me in on your opinion and share your celebrity crush, so I can tell you how your wrong and Weird Al is better.

Michy

The Yard Sale 

So, I cleaned out my garage the other day, or as I like to call it, The Pit of Despair.  Our garage is the joke of the neighborhood.  People just gape when they look in it.  Floor to ceiling, door to door crap.  We can't even fit the trash and recycling inside.  I was waiting for a nice day to tackle the monumental (emphasis on "mental"), task and low and behold, Mother Nature decided that this was going to be the week.  It took from 9am until 6pm, but the job is done.  I pulled everything out of the garage and made two big piles, one on either side of the driveway.  One pile was stuff we have to keep, the other pile was stuff we have to get rid of.  I got almost forty dollars when I took back our old beer bottles.  There is a scary pile of stuff to go to the next hazardous waste depot, and a pile of "electronic waste".  Apparently the electronic waste disposal stream ends at our house!  But all of these piles are not nearly as disturbing to me as the biggest one.  The Yard Sale Pile.

I don't "hate" yard sales.   I have a great distaste for them though.  It's not that I have anything against a good deal, it's just that there's just something very awkward about rooting through  someones old junk while they stand there watching you.  I'm also not a good wheeler, dealer.  I'm always afraid someone will snap if I suggest that their ugly ass tea set isn't worth the thirty dollars they're asking for it.  I especially don't like having yard sales myself.  I don't want to have to argue with rude jerk-offs who don't believe that my beautiful tea set is worth the fifty bucks i'm asking for it.  You'll be standing there and people will say, right in front of you, "Holy cow!  That is the ugliest painting I've ever seen!"  Scuse me?  One of those poker playing dogs looks just like my Scrappy!!  The nerve!  The whole thing is just so distasteful.

I would much rather, (and have many times in the past), just load up my car and drop the whole pile at the nearest Value Village.  This time however, my husband is putting his foot down.  He will not allow me to get rid of anything.  Everything it seems is worth something.  We, and by we I mean me, will have to have a yard sale. Terrific.

Problem number 1.  We live on a cul de sac.  Nobody comes here except the 10 people who live on our street.  Not exactly a huge yard sale crowd.  If I want to attract customers I will have to put an add in the paper (eating some of my profits), and post about 10 signs in either direction telling people the way to go.

Problem number 2.  We have no tables on which to display our numerous priceless items.  I will have to borrow some from someone or rent some, (more money down the tubes).

Problem number 3.  Trying to sell anything that Jake brought into our relationship.  Everything must go apparently, unless it is his.  No!  I cannot sell his childhood toys still in their original packages.  These are not mint condition items on special display in our house.  These are old, used, worn out toys that have been serving as winter homes for the mice in our garage for the past 5 years.  But no, they are untouchable.  As is the box of 25 year old guitar magazines that I found during the clean up (covered in mouse poop!).  No these things are much to wonderful to part with.

All this trouble to earn about fifty bucks?  And anything that doesn't sell will just go to Value Village anyway. I ask you, couldn't we just skip along to the last step and avoid all the bother in between?  Doubtful.  I'll let you know how the yard sale goes.

Michy

Oh Damn.

Oh man.  This totally sucks.  You know how sometimes you have this big thing you need to do, but you really don't want to do it and you have this great excuse for why you can't do it right now.  I had that.  Until yesterday.  I have this big problem that I have to deal with.  Really big. It's called losing weight and getting in shape.  And I had this really great excuse for not doing it.  I lost my exercise video, (Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred).  There was just no way I could get in shape without it.  And if I couldn't work out, there was no point in eating well, right?  It was the perfect excuse.  And then whadda ya know, I was searching through my complete MacGyver DVD collection and what did I find?  Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.  Damn.

It's not that I don't like exercise.  I love it.  I love what lifting weights can do for your muscles and what cardio can do for your heart.  I find it all very fascinating, from a scientific point of view.  I just don't like actually doing the said exercising.  That part I find very painful and sweaty.  You'd never know from looking at my 5' 1", 180 pound frame that I have a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of fitness and nutrition.  I have more books on this subject than any other.  I subscribe to Oxygen magazine for heavens sake!

I have a very clear image in my mind of how I want to look and what I want to feel like, I just can't seem to follow my own advice.  I will be having a great day; protein smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch, fruit for snack and some nice vegan rice and beans for dinner, then I'll top it all off by eating four scoops of ice cream with peanut butter cups and caramel syrup drizzled on top. (Hmm.  I wonder if we have any more of that?).  How can anyone with my amount of knowledge eat M&M cookies for breakfast, chocolate covered almonds for lunch and pizza for dinner. What. The. Hell?

Well.  It would appear that my zen for MacGyver has finally done me in.  No more excuse.  The video has been found.  Let the agony begin, and believe me, if I'm going through this pain, I will not be wasting it by eating crap.  At least that's the plan.  At the very least this should make for some amusing posts!

Michy

Ode to Mr. Bumblebee

I was cleaning out my garage today and this bumblebee the size of a Volkswagen kept flying in and out and in and out.  About 8 times he almost flew into my face.  I have composed the following poem to mark the occasion. 

Hello Mr. Bumblebee

Hello Mr. Bumblebee

You scare me half to death

When you fly so close to me

That I can smell your breath.

Hey there Mr. Bumblebee

You’re just not playing fair

When you buzz and flap your wings

And wiz right past my hair.

Whoa Mr. Bumblebee

Flying at my nose

You’d better take a hike my friend

Before I get the hose.

OK Mr. Bublebee

Flying round my face

If you don’t back off a bit

I’m gonna get my mace.

All right Mr. Bumblebee

I’ve really had enough

If you don’t leave me alone

I’ll get the hornet stuff.

Listen Mr. Bumblebee

My temper’s getting hotter

If you don’t back off a bit

I’ll get the flippin swatter.

Really Mr. Bumblebee

You must not understand

If you fly too close to me

I’ll smack you with my hand.

That’s enough Mr. Bumblebee

I’ve had it up to hear

I jump and scream and holler

Every time that you come near

Darn it Mr. Bumblebee

I’m sure that you’re a winner

But give me one more fly by

And I’ll cook you for my dinner!

Where are you Mr. Bumblebee

My ovens on full power

Oh, now that I am done outside

You go a find a flower!

Michy

Today is THE Day

Every time the season changes, there is a special day.  I call it THE  day.  The official day when, in my eyes, the season has turned.  It has nothing to do with the date on the calendar and everything to do with my senses.  Today is that day.  Spring is here in all its glory.  As I lay in my hammock this morning in the backyard, drinking my morning tea, I noticed that for the first time this season, all the trees officially have leaves.  Yesterday they didn’t, today they do.  Today is THE day.  My lilac bushes bloomed today.  I can smell them in the house when the breeze blows.  The sky is the most astounding shade of blue without a cloud in sight.  There is a grackle and dove and a robin all sharing a tree right in front of me. 

Holy S**t!!!!  A bumble bee the size of a hummingbird just flew right past my head!  Today is definitely THE day.

The colours are amazing.   The green leaves against the blue sky.  There are dark green pine boughs and bright white apple blossoms on my neighbor’s trees.  There is a red maple peeking over from another neighbor’s yard and I have light and dark purple lilacs popping open all over.  There is also the slightly disturbing smell of skunk.  Apparently someone has woken from hibernation; after all, today is THE day.

I am so blessed to be able to actually enjoy this day outside.  I know most people are stuck at work looking longingly out the window.  Well, you have two fifteen minutes breaks and your lunch hour.  Skip the cafeteria today and find a nice shady spot under a tree.  You will not regret it.  After all, there is only one “THE” day per season.  Don’t miss this one!

Michy

A Funny Thing Happened . . . The Conclusion!

So.  There I was.  Exhausted. In pain.  Missing my family.  Basically just about as miserable as a person can be.  There never seemed to be enough drugs or quiet.  The nurses kept the door to room 666 wide open in case Satan decided to try and go for a stroll again.  When they wheeled her out for some tests I offered a nurse a million dollars to drop her down a flight of stairs.  Hmmm.  Perhaps not my most Christian moment.  I think hanging with the Devil was starting to rub off on me.  I am never a very nice person when I’m tired.  And tired is something I was every second I was in the hospital.  There seems to be this unspoken rule at hospitals, where, if you are asleep, someone must immediately wake you up.  It doesn’t even need to be for a good reason.  At one point, after I had just drifted off, pumped all full of wonderful drugs, a woman came in my room and shook my foot.  I cracked a bleary eye.  What the heck was this?  Why on earth was this woman waking me up after such a horrible night?  “Hello”, she said. “I’m from the Department of Hand Washing and Sanitation.  I wanted to explain to you about the proper way to wash your hands with soap and hot water and the proper way to use Purell”, (cue idiotic smile).  I have never wanted to punch anyone in the face more, and believe me, I often wanna punch people in the face.  How anyone thought that this enthralling lecture couldn’t wait until I was awake was beyond me.

It wasn’t all bad at the hospital.  I mean it was, but some of the bad was funnier than the rest.  Like this student nurse who came to visit me at 3 in the morning to take “my vitals”.  He was a nice enough fella, but he had a very thick, I want to say Caribbean, accent.    He was fiddling around in the dark trying to set up his gear, when he turned and looked at me and said, “Can I lay down”?   Umm. Scuse me?  Now, my first thought was that this was a little unorthodox.  When did nurses start lying down with their patients?  What are they teaching in nursing school anyway?  I thought I’d better clarify.  “What?”, I asked.  “Can I lay down?”, he repeated.  Hmm.  Yep, that is definitely what he said.  Weird.  Then I began looking at my bed and making assessments.  I really didn’t think there was enough room for two of us. (Give me a break. I was taking a lot of drugs).  I thought I’d better clarify again.  “What?”.  Then he starts pointing at my lap and saying, “Can I lay down?  Lay down!”  What the?  Then I realized he was pointing to the button pad in my lap.  I contained two buttons for the lights.  The whole time he’d been asking me to turn the damn lights on, but his accent was so heavy I didn’t understand.  We had a good chuckle over that.  I will go to my grave believing he was asking to lay down!

Then there was my 6:30am visitor.  Let’s call him Antoino.  My, my.  There I am, it’s day 3 and I haven’t had a shower in about 50 hours.  I am a disgusting, sweaty, smelly mess.  As I am laying in bed, simmering in my own filth in walks Antonio pushing a cart.  Wow.  He is quite the specimen.  Tall, dark and super handsome.  He had this whole dangerous Cuban thing going on.  Mucho nice.  He looked down at me and said in a sexy Latin accent, “You wanna wash?”.  Oh man I wish I could’ve seen my own face.  I just about died.  Now some people would consider this a no-brainer.  Handsome man wants to give you a sponge bath?  Heck yeah!  And you know, maybe 15 years and 60 pounds ago I would agree with them.  But as I sat there in my sweat and grime I knew there was NO FREAKING WAY that this man was going to see me nekkid.  I didn’t know what was worse, that he would see me naked or that he would think I was a dirty pig who didn’t want to be clean.  As I laid there with my mouth gaping open I tried to think up something to say.  Finally I squeaked out that I thought I was going home that day and I would just wait and have a shower at home.  I think he bought it.  He said “ok”, then he pushed his cart  over to Satan.  I thought, oh you poor man.  He approached her with no idea what he was getting into.  He said in his sexy voice, “You wanna wash?”  and she said, “Sure”.  A flurry of images that could only be born in the pits of hell ran through my mind.  Oh that poor handsome man.  But, he gave her a bowl of water and a cloth and a bottle of soap and turned and left.  Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh.  What can I say.  I was really stoned!

Things with Devil woman did not improve.  I won’t even get into the time I tried to help her in the middle of the night and she started screaming at me to, “mindyourownbusinessyoursuckasslittlesuckupIdon’tneedyourfuckinghelp”, blah,  blah, blah.  By morning I was done being Little Miss Nice Guy.

Now, at this particular hospital, they won’t let you go home until you can get by on oral painkillers.  If you still need to be injected with “the good stuff”, you have to stay.  By day three I was losing my mind.  Every time Satan opened her ugly mouth, my whole body would clench up causing a ridiculous amount of pain in the collarbone, neck and shoulder and I kept having to ask for shots.  I was very upset about this, because all I wanted to do was go home.  I decided to call my hubby for moral support.  I must admit, as soon as heard his voice I started to cry.  I wanted to be home so badly.  I did however, use this phone call as an opportunity to let Satan know just what I thought of her and her behaviour.  I cried into the phone, “Baby, I really wish you and the boys could come and visit me, but you can’t. There is no way. (And then extra loud), BECAUSE MY ROOMATE IS SUCH A FUCKING FOUL MOUTH BITCH, I WOULDN’T WANT HER WITHIN A HUNDRED FEET OF MY CHILDREN!”.   Room 666 got extra quiet.  Satan had gotten the message.  She didn’t talk to me again.

My victory was short lived however.  An hour later when the nurses came to take her for some more tests, as she was wheeled past my bed she said, “Oh, there’s that blubberin’ little crybaby”.  Sigh.  Some fights are just lost causes. 

Through some miracle, the hospital released me that afternoon.  My sweet hubby came and picked me up and drove me home.  I have never been so happy to be home.  Ever.  I crawled into my bed and slept for 8 hours straight.  Within a week I was off the heavy duty pain meds I thought I would have to take forever and within 3 weeks I could give my boys a hug.  I thought coming off the painkillers would be a problem because according to the nurses they were, “a highly addictive narcotic”, but I really didn’t have any problem with them.  There was something else that I had a much bigger problem letting go of.  Spending 3 days and nights with the Devil Woman had taken its toll.  She was such a poisonous, nasty, evil person, and I never realized just how much she affected me until I was in my own home again.  I didn’t just feel comfortable back in my own home. Or happy.  Or relaxed.  I felt safe.  I truly felt as if I were safe from all her evil and hatred.  Safe knowing that she would live out the rest of her miserable life and I wouldn’t have to be a part of it anymore;  that I would no longer be hurt by her evil words.  Still now, months later, I find I am highly sensitive to seeing people be mean to each other.  Whether it’s in real life or a movie or in a book, if I’m seeing someone be mean and abusive to another person I get very upset and I feel it in a way I never did before.  I guess that’s a good thing.  I am much more likely to stand up in defense of someone now, which is great for them, not so great for me if I get my lights punched out for interfering, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.  I have to say though, if this was the lesson God wanted me to learn, I think he could have found and MUCH less painful way to do it!

I hope you all liked this story.  I know it’s a little long winded.  I will be posting it on my new blog, which I encourage you all to check out at crazymichy.blogspot.com.  It will be filled with my take on all the crazy things that happen in my life and all the things I find interesting.  I swear I just attract funny, so check it out!

Michy