"Real Housewives" vs. "Actual Housewives"

Okokok.  Have you seen these "Real Housewives" shows??  They have, The Real Housewives of New York, Atlanta, Beverly Hills and I forget where all else. There is even a Canadian version, The Real Housewives of Vancouver!  It's basically a bunch of super skinny, super face-lifted, super rich socialites who are married to a bunch of super rich men and live in big mansions all over the US.  They drive Bentleys and shop at Gucci.  They spend most of their time "lunching" with each other, stressing over what to wear to the next big gala and backstabbing each other with vicious gossip.  Did I mention that this is a "reality show".  WTF??

So here goes.  My compare and contrast of the "Real" housewives versus an "Actual" housewife.

 No. 1  The Real Housewives drive around in Bentleys and Cadillacs and other cars to exotic to mention. And they don't actually drive themselves, no, no!  They have drivers to drive them, that way the can make a grand exit from the rear of the vehicle in front of fancy restaurant and designer boutiques.

This Actual Housewife drive a big ass minivan that is filled with trash, sports equipment and smells like spoiled milk.  And yes, I drive it myself.  Even nine months pregnant and barely able to pull the seat up far enough to allow me to reach the peddles, I drove myself!  Imagine that.

No. 2  The Real Housewives have housekeepers.  That's right.  Other people to clean their big, fancy mansions.  WTF?  What kind of housewife are you if you don't even keep your own house?

This Actual Housewife will be up to her elbows in a dirty toilet by this time tomorrow, after vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing and picking up just about everything we own! I will also do the job of the gardener and personal freakin' chef, thank you very much!

No. 3  The Real Housewives stay skinny by working out regularly with personal trainers.  I guess this is because they don't have to spend all that time on menial chores.

This Actual Housewife gets an amazing full body workout from hauling three hundred pounds of laundry up and down two flights of stairs every other day.   I throw in some sprints once in a while, just for fun, like when my children decide they do want their mittens after all and I have to race back to the house to get them just as the school bus is coming down the street.  And lets not forget the amazing arm workout I get from hauling all those groceries to and from the car.  Yeah baby!  Personal trainers be damned!

No. 4  The Real Housewives shop at Chanel and Hermes.

Me, Wal Mart and the Dollarama

No. 5  The Real Housewives spend a good chunk of their time debating over which twelve thousand dollar designer gown they should should wear to the next gala or which four thousand dollar boots they should wear to the country club.  And, "do these nine hundred dollar jeans make my ass look cheap"?

If this Actual Housewife comes out of the shower and finds clean sweatpants and a clean white t-shirt in my closet, I hear angels trumpet from heaven.  They might make my ass look big, but my big ass is comfy dammit!

No. 6  the Real Housewives are the most nastiest, vindictive, jealous, backstabbing bunch of bitches I have ever seen, and I grew up in a small town!  Why do these people keep getting together if they hate each other so much?  Oh yeah.  Paycheck.

This Actual Housewife values her friends and I am usually so excited to get together with actual adults that I would never waste that valuble time by fighting.  I don't hang out with people I don't like, my grown up time is much too precious.

And, finally, No. 7  The Real Housewives are married to a special variety of man that is very rich, provides them with their every desire, but never seems to be around.  Hmmm.  Maybe they're onto something.  No. I don't think so.  None of them seem especially happy.

This Actual Housewife is married to that special breed of man who likes to snuggle up and watch tv or browse around Costco, or lay in bed and read with me.  He is always around.  ALWAYS.  And I like him that way.  He may not be a millionaire, but he's here when I need him and that is what matters most.

So there you have it.  I think they should really re-name their show.  I mean, Come On!  Maybe, The Completely Vapid Trophy Wives of New Jersey, or The Lunching Socialite Wives of Beverly Hills, or even The Nasty, Backstabbing, Bitchy Wives of Atlanta.  Any of these would be more fitting.  I think every Actual Housewife should be insulted by the title of their show.  We actual work for that name dammit!  Show it some respect!

Michy