So, it's my babies birthday today. 11 years ago today, at some unholy hour in the morning, the most perfect 9lbs and 6ozs of baby boy popped out of my body and joined the world. But, let us go back a while if we can, because as every single woman, who has ever birthed a baby will tell you, the actual delivery is just the tip of the birthing story iceberg.
June 23, 2006. I am 9 months preggo and as big as a freakin' whale. I'm retaining water like the Hoover Dam and every part of me is swollen. Screw all you women who don't blimp up when you're pregnant. My feet were so swollen I couldn't get my flip flops off!
Not my actual feet, but you get the point!
Just to be on the safe side my hubby and I went in to the hospital. I was sent up to the maternity ward so they could check me out. A lovely intern was assigned to me and she proceeded to do a cursory exam. They strapped me up to some monitors and checked Will's heartbeat. He was fine. She checked my cervix and, even though I was 1 cm dilated, she pronounced that I was most likely in false labor. I should go home and keep and eye on myself. Okaaaaaay, you're the professional.
Jake and I left the hospital and did what every pregnant woman does, went to McDonald's.
I think I made the staff very nervous. No minimum wage employee wants to see a woman come in, nine months pregnant, leaning against the order counter with her face all squished into a grimace as she waits for a contraction to pass. They don't get paid to be delivering no babies!
McDonald's in hand we headed home to let Alex know that he didn't have a baby brother yet. The rest of the day passed like any other. I ran around doing housework while Dad and Alex played Wii. Every 40 minutes or so, I'd have a contraction and breath through it Lamaze style. Hee, hee, hee, hoo, hoo, hoo. By 9pm I was bushed. I figured, if no baby was imminent, I may as well get some sleep. Will had other plans.
Not 10 minutes after I lay down my contractions started to get really strong and closer together. Every time I was about to drift off I'd get hit with another one. I was thinking, "gee, false labor sure does feel real"! At midnight we called Grandma. She flew across the city and arrived just after I got off the phone with the hospital telling us to come back in. She promptly fell asleep on the couch so she could get enough rest to be up with Alex in the morning.
The drive to the hospital was somewhat akin to the running of a Formula One race. Jake could not go fast enough for my liking.
How fast I thought Jake was driving Jake's actual speed
On a side note, hospitals really need to have valet parking. Jake had to pull up in front of Emerg, pop me into a wheel chair and then leave me there, in the throws of labor, while he went to park the car! Seriously. Valet parking.
15 minutes later we were back in the maternity ward in the same little exam room as before. The same intern walked in. The same woman who'd told me I was in false labor 17 hours earlier. How long were their shifts!!? I wasn't sure I wanted someone 17 hours into a shift to be delivering my baby! She checked and, low and behold, 7 cm dilated. False labor my ass.
They hopped to it now. I was wheeled into an area where they had me under supervision and told me the epidural guy would be along shortly. In the mean time, here was some nitrous oxide. Now, I hadn't used laughing gas with my first son so I really wasn't sure how this would make me feel any better, but, when the next contraction hit I gave it the old college try.
My head was spinning and I felt incredibly loopy, but I wasn't laughing. It did make the contraction a lot less intense which was good. I took about two more hits and I still wasn't laughing which I thought was odd. It was called laughing gas wasn't it? I expressed my disappointment to my husband and the nurse and they just looked at me and shrugged. And then it happened.
I don't know what Jake said, but whatever it was it struck me funny. And I laughed. And Laughed. And. Laughed. I was just about to stop when another contraction hit and I sucked more gas in. I just could not stop laughing. I was like the Joker on speed, cackling and howling as I floated through a haze of hilarity. I was so looped I was having visions of rainbows and VW buses done up hippy style while The Beatles played in the background. This shit was great! I was sucking on the gas like Snoop Dog on a massive dube!
Fo' Shizzle!
The nurse cautioned me to only use the gas during a contraction, which was fine, they were coming every couple of minutes. I told Jake that we needed to get a canister of nitrous for parties! Sadly, the epidural guy came and gave me the epidural and they took my giggle gas away.
Before I knew it we were in the OR and they were getting me all prepped for my c-section. Turns out it was the same doctor doing the procedure who had delivered my first child. I remembered him cause he was young and kinda cute. Amazing the things one notices when the pain of labor is under control. Apparently I wasn't so memorable.
So there I am, laying on the table, numb from my chin down, all draped in cloth when the doctor, scalpel in hand, looks down at me and says,
"This is a repeat C- section, right"?
"Yes", I replied
"You've had a C-section before"?
"Yeah". I wanted to say, "You did it duh", but I figured I shouldn't piss off the guys about to cut me open.
He looked at me a little bewildered.
"So you have a scar"?
Well, I didn't know what to think. Of course I have a scar! It's not huge or anything, but it's a very visible thin white line that runs from one side of me to the other. What was he playing at?
"Um, yeah", I said.
He looked at me again, cocked his head to one side and asked,
"Is it hidden in your pubic hair"?
Well! Excuuuuusse me for not being up on my grooming! I didn't feel like stopping in at the Stick n'Rip for a waxing when I was in the throes of labor! Jackass!
I guess he managed to find it because 10 minuets we had a baby. And what a baby! He was so big, and chubby, and beautiful and sweet and cuddly! A crying, pooping, drooling, hungry gift from God.
He's 11 today and I just cannot believe it. How did he grow up so fast? Where does the time go? If I only look at myself, I don't feel as though any time has passed at all. I look and feel pretty much the same. But when I look at my children I realize just how much time has passed.
I'm not ready for them to grow up yet. Will they still love me the way they did when they were little. I can definitely tell you, I am no longer the center of their universe. My job it to raise them to go out into the world on their own. If they don't do that, I guess I haven't done a good job. I guess raising independent children is a bittersweet task, nevertheless it's the job I've chosen. They will grow up, move out and have their own families and live in their own houses. As long as those houses are on either side on mine, I should be ok.
Peace out.
Michy
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