Why Don't They Like Me??

Writing prompt number 2 from my Writing Prompts Journal:

                "You have been abducted by aliens.  Give 3 reasons why they would send you back."

An interesting question.  My initial thought was, why wouldn't aliens want me?  I'm awesome! I have tons of great attributes that any alien might find useful.  I'm ok looking if they want a median example of the human population.  I have extra body fat, you know, in case they want to float me.  My brain is a storehouse of useless trivia!  And I can cook, if they have a fully equipped kitchen on their spaceship. All this however, is not the point of the exercise.  Why, despite all my awesomeness, would they maybe, think about wanting to, possibly send me back to earth.

1.  I burp and fart too much.  I know, too much information, but seriously, they may find me a bit overwhelming.  My husbands nickname for me is Barney, after Barney from The Simpsons.

I don't know why I am this way, but I am, and I'm not shy about letting it rip either, at least at home.  There has been one or two occasions when I forgot that I wasn't at home, and may have let 'er go in front of a friend.  They usually look at me like the creature from Aliens has just exploded out of my mouth.  My best friend breaks out in  Tom Jones, "She's A Lady", whenever I burp in front of her.  Yep, when the ol' tummy is a rumbly I don't hold back.  

I fart too.  That's right.  Don't act like you never pop out a left cheek squeak once in a while.  We all do.  I just happen to enjoy the process more than others.  Honestly, I you can't fart in the privacy of your own home, where can you!?  It's not like I walk around in public slicing the fromage all over the place.  I do have some self control!  But, I do think that I tend to be more "productive" than the average human.  Aliens just might not be able to handle it.

On the other hand, the aliens may discover that they can harvest my gas as fuel.  They may appreciate that I can produce enough of it to keep an entire fleet of spaceships in orbit indefinitely.  They may even value my gas producing capacity so much that they make me their Queen!  Or at least Minster for Energy.

2.  I talk to much.  

Have you ever met a person who just will not shut up?  Yeah, that's me.  I talk  a lot.  I have a lot to say!  Whenever I meet a person who won't shut up I think, "Oh my God.  Is that me?  Is that what I sound like?  Am I this annoying????  

Sometimes people just aren't good conversationalists and I feel the need to fill in the uncomfortable silence.  Every once in a while I will catch myself blabbing away, dominating the conversation and think, "does this person really want to hear the story about that time I stepped on dog poop in my bare feet?  Does it really relate to the conversation we were just having about economic underdevelopment and race relations in eastern Uganda"?

I think one of the first things aliens would want to discover about me, is how to shut me up.  Seriously.  They'd have me strapped to a table and I'd be all,

"What's that"?

"What does that do"?

"So, where ya from"?

"Any invasion plans"?

"Ooooo!  That's squishy!, Hey, you know one time, I was walking my dog in my bare feet . . . "

Yeah, I think they'd have enough of me in about ten minutes.

3.  Gee, this is hard!  Ok, how about this.  I can, in a general way, be a pain in the ass.  I like to think of it as "mothering", but my family may call it something else.  

Imagine me running around a UFO yelling, "Gorelax!  Pick up your damn tentacle covers off the stasis chamber floor!  What is wrong with you"!?  Or, "Zurgog!  Put your phaser away in the organic matter consumption pod!  You're gonna blast off your brothers antenna again!  They only grow back so many times you know"! Or, "Captain Klackton, you didn't flush after you used the Zorgon bodily waste elimination pod and there is fluids all over the seat!  What is wrong with you people?    You are disgusting"!  They wouldn't be able to beam me down fast enough! 

So, I think, when all is said and done, that although I may be a shining example of humanities average-ness, I may not be the best fit for alien first contact.  I guess it really depends on the species involved.  Maybe there is a gaseous, blabbermouth species out there in need of a mother.  I might be just what they need.  I guess we will never know!

Peace out!

Michy