Crazy Michy's Guide to Romance (for Men)

Awww, Romance!  That fair-weather concept that sends ladies swooning and men into, well, I don't know exactly what it does to men.  Sadly, I have not been the focus of a whole lot romance in a very long time.

You may be wondering why this guide isn't for women.  Well, because I am one, and I'm pretty sure we're perfect.  Duh!

So, what defines "romance" exactly?  It's a pretty wide open concept, that I think, can be broken down into three distinct stages.

Stage 1: The Wooing 

For some it's wine and flowers.  For others its long walks on the beach at sunset.  And for others still it's being serenaded  by moonlight. Those are some pretty high standards for romance, ones I think very few people have the pleasure of enjoying.  Generally, men hitting this level of romance are in the first stages of a relationship.  They are trying to impress.  Their mothers are nagging them to death for grandchildren, and they know that good, quality women are only looking for the best.  It's nature.  Oh yeah, and sometimes they're all mushy and in love.  They will do just abut anything to prove their worthiness.  Ladies, take advantage of this relationship sweet spot!  It doesn't last!

Stage 2:  The Comfort Zone

These are what I like to call the mid level romantics.  These men have been in a relationship for a while.  They have settled into a nice rhythm and they no longer feel the need to constantly try to impress their partner.  They still make an effort to be romantic.  Things like bringing you a muffin and coffee in the morning, or slow dancing around the kitchen together to a favorite song.  Nice, but not crazy.  Certain things though, may have fallen by the wayside.  Flowers and dinner out are less frequent.  Maybe he's slipping up on the personal grooming or he's started wearing his pajamas all day on the weekend.  This may be a sign that your relationship is heading toward Stage 3.

Stage 3:  The Romantic Idiot

Some of us have been with our partner for so long that we barely remember what romance is.  If you think that farting before you get in the car is a grand romantic gesture, you just might fall into this category.  If you think your gift of a fake rose, made of out cheap, red, lace panties, that you picked up at the Petro Canada checkout, is romantic, I'm talking to you!  And if you think a new deep fryer makes a great Valentine's Day gift, yep, you are a romantic idiot.

So, this post is for all you gentlemen out there who have let the romance slide.  It is Crazy Michy's 5 Things You Can Do to Keep The Romance Alive (or resuscitate it)!

Number 1:  Never let them see you poop.  Ever.  (Maybe I should have made this Number 2)!

I know we are all in a hurry, and gee wiz, we've already seen each other naked, but no!  Whatever it is, it can wait.  Lock. The. Door.  Horror, absolute horror, is the only way I can describe the first time I accidentally walked in on my husband while he was, 'in the sitting position'.  You cannot possibly expect your partner to have romance on the brain after having seen that!  You might as well just go sleep in the van.

Number 2.  Eat like a human.  Your partner does not want to sit and watch you eat with all the grace and class of a barnyard animal at the trough!  No date night dinner out was ever made more romantic by the addition of a soundtrack grunting, smacking, huffing, puffing and snorting.  Eat slowly, at a nice relaxed pace.  Take small bites.  Chew your food.  If you have to open your mouth as wide as airplane hanger to get your food in, chances are you're trying to stuff in too much!

Speed eating is terribly unromantic.  I found that once my husband and I had children, the speed at which we ate our dinner increased dramatically.  You might only have 30 seconds between babies crying, or asking for something, or pooping themselves, in which to consume your dinner while it is still somewhat lukewarm.  If you want to finish your dinner before it calcifies, time is of the essence.  However, barring this issue, shoveling in your food is neither healthy, nor attractive.  I have watched people chew enormous bites of food a mere three times, before sucking it down their gullet!  Three times!  Swallowing a mouthful of food that big requires some serious throat and eye bulging.

Mmmmm  Attractive!  When food is swallowed, it should be chewed at least to the point where it is no longer identifiable.  If an x-ray of your stomach shows a whole chicken leg, you are not chewing enough!  Sometimes we get caught up in our lives and need to get our in meals quickly, but if ever there was a time to slow down, take small bites and chew, it is during a special, romantic dinner. Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason.  Because it's gross.


Number 3. Trim your toenails.  Just imagine, it's the third Wednesday of the month, and you and your partner are snuggling up, getting all romantic.  The sexy time music is on. She's rubbing her smooth manicured feet up and down your leg, and you decide to do the same.  On the way up, your dry, cracked  heels leave a trail of nasty scratches up her leg, and on the way back down you remove a three inch strip of her delicate skin with one of your nasty, jaggy toenails.

Disgusting!

Well now that's a mood ruiner!  You see, its these little things that kill the romance.  Men, don't skimp on the toe upkeep.  If you can't handle the task yourself, for whatever reason, there are professionals out there to help you.  A pedicure is a small price to pay to protect your wifes tender flesh.

Number 4.  Set up a romantic atmosphere.  

Despite what just about every country music song in the last 20 has said, the back of your Chevy pickup is not a romantic place to get busy.  Neither is rolling around in the tall grass down by the creek.  No romantic liaison should end with a crotch full of ticks.  

Your man cave, with your amazingly awesome multi screen video gaming setup, and collection of vintage Star Trek action figures?  Nope.  

Any place that could be described as a 'pool hall'?  Try again.  

A nicely lit, quiet restaurant, a walk through a nice park, or even a nice tidy room at home, can all bring the romance alive.  That being said, you don't need to go spending a ton of cash to make your surroundings romantic.  You can get candles for a buck at the dollar store.  You can pick an nice floral arrangement of wildflowers, (just not one's she's allergic too, because watering eyes and snot, also a mood killer). Cuddling up under a nice, soft blanket in a candlelit room and watching a movie together, think, The Notebook or Titanic?  That sounds romantic!   Now is not the time to throw on The Expendables 3 or Jackass, The Movie.  Unless, of course, she's into that.

Number 5.  Plan romantic activities.  The aforementioned pool hall is not an ideal place for romantic activities.  While being bent over a table all night might get your motor running, it's not exactly romantic.  Personally, I think talking is romantic.  A glass of wine, a little music and a good conversation can't be beat.  People try and make 'Netflix and Chill' sound romantic, but imagine; you've been laying on the couch all night, binge watching House of Cards, you've barely spoken to each other in 4 hours, you're tired, rumpled and covered in Cheeto crumbs.  

Ooooooh!  Romantic!

How about a board game? Naked Twister anyone?  Cooking a meal together and eating it by candle lite is another favorite.  Just remember, if it includes electronic devises, it's probably not romantic.  Unless of course those devices come from the Adult Toy Store (no what I'm sayin')?

So, there it is.  My top 5 ways to keep the romantical fire burning.  You can either print it out and staple it into your little black book, or you can dump it right into your digital recycle bin.  And ladies, even though I have chosen to pick on the weaker sex with this post, remember, men have feelings too.  They like to be romanced and reminded that we still, even after all these years, think that they are pretty awesome, husbands, fathers and dudes.

Let me know if I missed any glaring romance faux pas' in the comments below and please feel free to share this post with your friends!

Peace out!

Michy