Lets Get Jumping!


My writing exercise this week is to finish the following sentence. 

"I would like to jump into a big pile of . . ."

Hmmmmmm.  Interesting.  I had several ideas right off the bat, but they were all proving to have downfalls.

I would love to jump into a big ol' pile of puppies!!  Just imagine happy little puppies crawling all over you, nuzzling you with their wet little noses and smacking you with their wiggly little tails!  All those different textures of soft fuzzy fur.  The springy little wire haired pups.  The super fluffy long haired pups and the smooth, silky short haired pups.  I can hear their little yaps and squeaks in my mind.  Oh my Gad!  It would be glorious!



But, practicality rears it's ugly head on my puppy dreams.  If I were to literally 'jump' into a pile of puppies, I think we can all agree, it would not end well for the puppies.  Two things could happen.  Either there is a sad, horrible pile of broken puppies, or the puppies wise up, and as I'm in mid jump they part like the Red Sea, and I hit the ground like your nerdy uncle trying to stage dive into the mosh pit at a Metalica concert.  Considering this information, no, I would not like to jump into a pile of puppies.  I would, however, like to lay down gently into a pile of puppies and let them run all over me.  That would be epic.

It does not help me with this exercise though. Since it's autumn here in Canada, I could always fall back on jumping into a big pile of freshly raked leaves. (See what I did there)!  But jumping in big piles of leaves was ruined for me in childhood.  As young girls, my sister and I spent hours raking up all the leaves up in our backyard.  It was a cloudy fall day, and it was a lot of hard work, but we kept at it because we new that there was a big payday at the end.  Jumping into those leaves was going to be our sweet consolation.

Now, I don't remember jumping per se, but I do remember the joyous feeling of rolling around in those leaves and throwing them up in the air and letting them rain down on my face again and again.  There is something else that I remember too, and that's when my mother burst out the back door and started hollering at the top of her lungs for us to get the hell out of the leaves.  What was her problem I thought?  Why does she always have to ruin our fun?

"They're full of dog poop, ya dummies"!

Ooooooooohhh.  Yes, we had forgotten about our two very productive cocker spaniels.  Right.  Well we jumped out of those leaves like they were on fire and I haven't seen this classic fall activity in the same way since.  So, yeah, pile of leaves is out.

Whatcha doin' in there boy?

After some thought and consideration I have weeded out these other possibilities as well:

Cotton balls? Boring
Clouds?  Wet
Marshmallows?  Sticky
Feathers?  Pokey
Kittens?  See Puppies

And then it came to me.  What I would really like to jump into, is a pile of warm, fresh from the oven, squishy white bread.  Imagine sinking into that warm, soft pile, the delicious smell wrapping itself around you like a cozy blanket.  It would feel like being hugged by Mother Mary herself.  Sigh!  I would just dig myself a little burrow and curl up for days, inhaling life's most homey scent.  Oh man!  I may be a freak, but that would be awesome!

Mmmmmmmmmmm!

So there you have it.  What would you like to jump into a pile of?  Let me know in the comments section and please feel free to share with your friends!  You can now follow Crazy Michy  on Instagram at crazymichy7904 and on Twitter at @crazymichy7904.  See you out there!

Michy

Crazy Michy's Guide to Romance (for Men)

Awww, Romance!  That fair-weather concept that sends ladies swooning and men into, well, I don't know exactly what it does to men.  Sadly, I have not been the focus of a whole lot romance in a very long time.

You may be wondering why this guide isn't for women.  Well, because I am one, and I'm pretty sure we're perfect.  Duh!

So, what defines "romance" exactly?  It's a pretty wide open concept, that I think, can be broken down into three distinct stages.

Stage 1: The Wooing 

For some it's wine and flowers.  For others its long walks on the beach at sunset.  And for others still it's being serenaded  by moonlight. Those are some pretty high standards for romance, ones I think very few people have the pleasure of enjoying.  Generally, men hitting this level of romance are in the first stages of a relationship.  They are trying to impress.  Their mothers are nagging them to death for grandchildren, and they know that good, quality women are only looking for the best.  It's nature.  Oh yeah, and sometimes they're all mushy and in love.  They will do just abut anything to prove their worthiness.  Ladies, take advantage of this relationship sweet spot!  It doesn't last!

Stage 2:  The Comfort Zone

These are what I like to call the mid level romantics.  These men have been in a relationship for a while.  They have settled into a nice rhythm and they no longer feel the need to constantly try to impress their partner.  They still make an effort to be romantic.  Things like bringing you a muffin and coffee in the morning, or slow dancing around the kitchen together to a favorite song.  Nice, but not crazy.  Certain things though, may have fallen by the wayside.  Flowers and dinner out are less frequent.  Maybe he's slipping up on the personal grooming or he's started wearing his pajamas all day on the weekend.  This may be a sign that your relationship is heading toward Stage 3.

Stage 3:  The Romantic Idiot

Some of us have been with our partner for so long that we barely remember what romance is.  If you think that farting before you get in the car is a grand romantic gesture, you just might fall into this category.  If you think your gift of a fake rose, made of out cheap, red, lace panties, that you picked up at the Petro Canada checkout, is romantic, I'm talking to you!  And if you think a new deep fryer makes a great Valentine's Day gift, yep, you are a romantic idiot.

So, this post is for all you gentlemen out there who have let the romance slide.  It is Crazy Michy's 5 Things You Can Do to Keep The Romance Alive (or resuscitate it)!

Number 1:  Never let them see you poop.  Ever.  (Maybe I should have made this Number 2)!

I know we are all in a hurry, and gee wiz, we've already seen each other naked, but no!  Whatever it is, it can wait.  Lock. The. Door.  Horror, absolute horror, is the only way I can describe the first time I accidentally walked in on my husband while he was, 'in the sitting position'.  You cannot possibly expect your partner to have romance on the brain after having seen that!  You might as well just go sleep in the van.

Number 2.  Eat like a human.  Your partner does not want to sit and watch you eat with all the grace and class of a barnyard animal at the trough!  No date night dinner out was ever made more romantic by the addition of a soundtrack grunting, smacking, huffing, puffing and snorting.  Eat slowly, at a nice relaxed pace.  Take small bites.  Chew your food.  If you have to open your mouth as wide as airplane hanger to get your food in, chances are you're trying to stuff in too much!

Speed eating is terribly unromantic.  I found that once my husband and I had children, the speed at which we ate our dinner increased dramatically.  You might only have 30 seconds between babies crying, or asking for something, or pooping themselves, in which to consume your dinner while it is still somewhat lukewarm.  If you want to finish your dinner before it calcifies, time is of the essence.  However, barring this issue, shoveling in your food is neither healthy, nor attractive.  I have watched people chew enormous bites of food a mere three times, before sucking it down their gullet!  Three times!  Swallowing a mouthful of food that big requires some serious throat and eye bulging.

Mmmmm  Attractive!  When food is swallowed, it should be chewed at least to the point where it is no longer identifiable.  If an x-ray of your stomach shows a whole chicken leg, you are not chewing enough!  Sometimes we get caught up in our lives and need to get our in meals quickly, but if ever there was a time to slow down, take small bites and chew, it is during a special, romantic dinner. Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason.  Because it's gross.


Number 3. Trim your toenails.  Just imagine, it's the third Wednesday of the month, and you and your partner are snuggling up, getting all romantic.  The sexy time music is on. She's rubbing her smooth manicured feet up and down your leg, and you decide to do the same.  On the way up, your dry, cracked  heels leave a trail of nasty scratches up her leg, and on the way back down you remove a three inch strip of her delicate skin with one of your nasty, jaggy toenails.

Disgusting!

Well now that's a mood ruiner!  You see, its these little things that kill the romance.  Men, don't skimp on the toe upkeep.  If you can't handle the task yourself, for whatever reason, there are professionals out there to help you.  A pedicure is a small price to pay to protect your wifes tender flesh.

Number 4.  Set up a romantic atmosphere.  

Despite what just about every country music song in the last 20 has said, the back of your Chevy pickup is not a romantic place to get busy.  Neither is rolling around in the tall grass down by the creek.  No romantic liaison should end with a crotch full of ticks.  

Your man cave, with your amazingly awesome multi screen video gaming setup, and collection of vintage Star Trek action figures?  Nope.  

Any place that could be described as a 'pool hall'?  Try again.  

A nicely lit, quiet restaurant, a walk through a nice park, or even a nice tidy room at home, can all bring the romance alive.  That being said, you don't need to go spending a ton of cash to make your surroundings romantic.  You can get candles for a buck at the dollar store.  You can pick an nice floral arrangement of wildflowers, (just not one's she's allergic too, because watering eyes and snot, also a mood killer). Cuddling up under a nice, soft blanket in a candlelit room and watching a movie together, think, The Notebook or Titanic?  That sounds romantic!   Now is not the time to throw on The Expendables 3 or Jackass, The Movie.  Unless, of course, she's into that.

Number 5.  Plan romantic activities.  The aforementioned pool hall is not an ideal place for romantic activities.  While being bent over a table all night might get your motor running, it's not exactly romantic.  Personally, I think talking is romantic.  A glass of wine, a little music and a good conversation can't be beat.  People try and make 'Netflix and Chill' sound romantic, but imagine; you've been laying on the couch all night, binge watching House of Cards, you've barely spoken to each other in 4 hours, you're tired, rumpled and covered in Cheeto crumbs.  

Ooooooh!  Romantic!

How about a board game? Naked Twister anyone?  Cooking a meal together and eating it by candle lite is another favorite.  Just remember, if it includes electronic devises, it's probably not romantic.  Unless of course those devices come from the Adult Toy Store (no what I'm sayin')?

So, there it is.  My top 5 ways to keep the romantical fire burning.  You can either print it out and staple it into your little black book, or you can dump it right into your digital recycle bin.  And ladies, even though I have chosen to pick on the weaker sex with this post, remember, men have feelings too.  They like to be romanced and reminded that we still, even after all these years, think that they are pretty awesome, husbands, fathers and dudes.

Let me know if I missed any glaring romance faux pas' in the comments below and please feel free to share this post with your friends!

Peace out!

Michy

I'm Coming Out of Retirement!

13 years ago last April, I quit my job in the real estate law biz to stay at  home and raise my son, and subsequently his brother.  Best decision I ever made. My husband was right on board.  Yes, sacrifices would have to be made if we were to lose an income, but we figured in the long run, with savings on child care, taxes, missed work etc, it would all work out in the end.  And it has.  I take care of house and home and the daily needs of my hubby and our children, and my husband goes to work everyday to pay for it.

This arrangement has provided me with some incredible benefits.  I have  never had to miss one of my boys in a school production.  I have been able to volunteer in their school and see their learning in action and go on field trips with them.  I have had a chance to meet and get to know their friends and their friends parents.  I have time during the day to run all my errands so that I can spend my evenings with my family, usually schlepping them around to activities, but still.  During the summer I can take them to the beach in the middle of the day, or to a park, or out to lunch.  On days when there is no school, we can sleep in, wake up late and make pancakes instead of rushing off at 7am to day care.  And, super bonus, if I don't have to leave the house, I can stay in my jammies all day!

Shortly after or before, I can't remember which, I started staying home, my father in law retired.  We used to joke around that we were both retired and got to spend our lives in the leisurely pursuit of what ever tickled our fancy.  I love staying home with the kids so much that sometimes I even buy in to that fantasy.  A lot of other people buy into that fantasy as well.  Many, many times I have heard that I should, "try working for a living", or that "it must be nice not to have to work", or that I "don't need a vacation because I don't have a real job".  Let me tell you something.  If you're willing to pay someone else to do it, IT IS A REAL JOB!

Lemme break it down for ya. Without me, my husband would need a personal assistant. 

Someone to run his errands for him.  Take his dogs to the vet, his truck for an oil change, make deposits at the bank, fill out paperwork for him and send it to where it needs to go,  enroll his children in after school activities, make phone calls and appointments for him and remind him to go to those appointments.  Those sorts of things.  Cost of a decent Personal Assistant?  Around $60,000.00 per year.  IT'S A REAL JOB!

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but my husband likes to use his evenings to relax and unwind.  His brain has been pumping away all day at the office, putting out fires, managing people and creating elaborate software designs.  Without me  he would either have to spend every evening and weekend driving our children to their activities, or hire a chauffeur. 

At present, our boys need to be at either dance or hockey on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and more times are likely to be scheduled soon.  That doesn't include picking them up after school if they are staying to study or try out for a team or club.  This also doesn't include driving them to play dates and sleepovers with their friends, or taking them to tournaments or competitions.  Nobody could do all that alone and still be a sane person!  Annual cost of a chauffeur?  $36,511.00.  ALSO A REAL JOB!

While my husband is off bringing home the bacon  I am at home frying it up in a pan. Now, if I were not here in my usual capacity, the first thing to fall by the wayside would be food.  Once the canned chili and Kraft Dinner supplies were gone, it would be takeout every night.  If he were to maintain the quality of dinner that we eat on a regular basis, (not that I cook dinner every night.  Trust me we still eat way too much fast food), and have that dinner waiting for him and his children when he gets home from work, he would have to hire a personal chef. 

Depending on the chef (and I am a good one), this will cost him about $45,000.00 per year. #REALJOB!

Now, about those children.  They don't take care of themselves you know!  He would need someone that can look after them while he is at work. 

And not just to keep them entertained, but to take them to appointments, deal with the school on their behalf , clean up the vomit, bandage the boo-boos,  mediate the arguments, help them with homework and most importantly, to instill in them the values and discipline they will need in order to become decent, kind, productive members of society.  Average cost of a childcare provider in Ontario?  $22,200 for one year for 2 children.  This doesn't include before and after school care either.  This is sadly the cheapest item on the list which is surprising when you consider the importance of this role.  THIS IS A HIGHLY UNDERPAID REAL JOB!

I also fill the role of Gardener/Landscaper at our house.  I cut the lawn, maintain the flower gardens, stack the firewood, take out the trash and do any other "out door work" that needs to be done.  If my husband wished for his home to maintain it's current appearance and not turn into a wild untamed jungle, he would need a gardener. 

Add $52,000.00 per year.  We have a large property!  ANOTHER REAL JOB!

And lets not forget the inside of the home.  Someone has to do all that cleaning and laundry!  A full time housekeeper, (and nothing less than full time can keep up with my husband and children), will run him another $41,569.00 per year. 

Ouch! And, ALSO A REAL JOB!

I also manage to dress myself most days and try and look half decent most of the time, be witty and charming and funny, act as therapist and event planner and professional cuddler.

(Believe t or not "Professional Cuddler" is an actual real job, but I don't think my husband is that desperate. Yet)

This job that I have, working for my husband, does not fall within the 9 to 5 parameters of the average persons workday.  Long after my husband has his feet up for the night, I will still be washing dishes, making lunches and getting things organized for the next day.    I do not take vacation or sick days.  We rent a cottage every summer for a week.  A great vacation for my husband and kids and a nice change of scenery for yours truly, but a holiday?  Not so much.  It's really just me taking my jobs to another location. 9 months ago I told myself I'd take one vacation day every month.  I would get up before anyone could ask me for breakfast, go to the spa and soak and sauna my day away and come home long after dinner.  In 9 months I've done it once.  This Christmas, for the first time in 3 years, I will take an actual vacation.  One week all inclusive down south.  Someone else will cook all our food and someone else will clean our room. 

Heaven!

So I guess you could say I'm not actually coming out of retirement.  I was never there!  I switched from working for a law firm to working for my husband.  It is absolutely my dream job, a real, actual, job.   Now, when people ask me what I do for a living, I will tell them, "I work for my husband", and if they ask what I do, I'll say, "everything".

Often times, when I hear people talk about Stay at Home parents they immediately jump in with, "well, we all know that that is the hardest job on earth".  Bullshit.   It is not the hardest job on earth.  It's an awesome, rewarding job with often long hours and little appreciation, but it is by far the greatest job on earth.  I think it would be much more difficult to have to kiss your children goodbye in the morning, spend your day at some soul sucking job you hate, come home, stuff some food in your face while you run all your errands and clean your house before kissing your kids goodnight and collapsing in a heap on the couch too tired to do anything but stare mindlessly at the Bachelor before dragging your exhausted ass to bed so you can wake up and do it all again tomorrow.  That's the hardest job on earth!

So, to sum up, Moms and Dads who work outside the home = real job. Mom's and Dad's who are homemakers = real job.  It's not a competition!  Lets all just value and see the merit of each persons  contribution to their own family and to the greater challenge of raising the next generation.



Please feel free to share this message with your friends and leave you comments below!

Peace out!

Michy